I know, LOL
Who wouldn’t rather be sitting at mom’s kitchen table being force-fed pork tacos while listening to 80’s Christian rock as your 9-year old twin sisters offer you 4-year old popcorn flavored Jelly Bellies
so maybe between the packing and taking glances around the apartment at everything that used to be ours, im also taking long breaks by looking at tumblr / twitter / fb or people magazine (which i haven’t bought in a year) or drinking a green apple smirnoff. i’ve also been lighting incense daily because EVERYTHING smells like him.
and my car is nearly packed (i thought that would make me feel better) but it still seems like the hard part has just begun.
i leave on friday but
tomorrow i’m getting a facial, massage, and haircut (thanks, aveda studio) so hopefully that’ll put me in such a PUMPED space that i’ll somehow forget im leaving a guy who i am (although this was my decision) going to miss a lot.
He says he’s sorry she thinks he says things
that mean mean things and that maybe she
shouldn’t invest such meaning in the things
he means because he doesn’t mean them.
He says that yes sometimes he says things
that mean mean things just to be mean.
He says for example he doesn’t mean it
when he says she says things that don’t mean
anything or mean something else, he is just
saying those things to be mean.
I told her I wanted the job and all but honestly? The place reminded me of my days in insurance. The same controlled chaos; the same people wanting to go home ALL DAY LONG.
And I am brushing up on my Excel skills just in case I get a call back, but in the meantime? I’ve got the gig at the grocery store.
(Meanwhile, one of BF’s professors has taken pity on me for some reason, and is trying to help me get a job in the library. AND of course I’ve been busting my cajones applying at local restaurants, etc.)
So in a nutshell? I probs need to try harder to get a corporate job, but still. I have a job.I have a job.
so it’s not like im gonna order the queso but if it’s on the table i might eat half (at least), and hey i know bangladeshi children (probably the same age as my sisters) made this blouse in a dimly lit factory but i need to look legit for the job search and i have no $$ for the good stuff. i’m not wrong it’s the system, right?
right because i don’t know if you know this, but i spent the last four or five months wearing the same v-neck tee in ten different colors because they were sustainable and only cost $10 each. plus i went vegan for six months.
basically, academia gave me nothing but disdain for evrrything in capitalism while depriving me of all my money.
so now, penniless and taking a break from school life, im returning to the work force.
but how are you gonna hit an interview out of the ballpark if your prospective employer can’t figure out where to take you for lunch? and how are you supposed to get a job in sales or retail or anywhere if you’re wearing some tired old stuffy blouse that’s been hanging in the back of your closet since 2010?
it’s impossible. you have to conform. you have to be a good consumer and BUY shit. from all sorts of corporations.
and yeah im studying for the gre subject lit exam like crazy and yeah im watching black and white movies for entertainment and reading stendhal before bed and still refusing to buy internet (seriously, there’s no money) like a good little academician.
but it’s time to work for whatever corporation’s willing to hire me - and go through their lengthy online questionnaire and in-person interview (with required cover letter and resume — yeah, winn dixie, im looking at you) just to conform to some bureaucratic set of rules in order to get a pay check that will barely let me get by while still making more than i ever did as a comp teacher.
mostly, im pushing through. but? if this continues much longer? im gonna need one hell of a back-up plan.
1 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
2 My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.
3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
4 Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.
6 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
8 The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.